That last one sounded better in my head

Esther awoke that morning in a red haze. Without opening her eyes she tried to recall last night's nightmare. She was sure there was terrifying music playing in the background and acrid smoke in the air but all she could picture were the dark figures dancing across her dreams. It had been dark, but figures had been wearing masks. She was sure, however, from the outlines their bodies made in the weak light they were beautiful women. Something she had known about them in her dream made them hideous, their dance more suggestful and their movements more deceptive.
Perched high above them were the men like birds of prey. Omniscent and shadowy, Esther couldnt discern their form in the dark. What frightened her the most was the fact that she existed. The shadows saw her and realised her presense. She was not invisible to them. And all it took was for one word, one single command for them to fall to silence. The women stopped dancing and she could feel the intensity of every stare in the room. And it didnt matter to her that she couldnt see their eyes or if they had any at all. She could feel what was in their hearts. It was fear. These terrible dark figures saw her and were terrified. And she had stood there laughing a their fear.

Now lying in the sun with her body carving a warm niche into her bed, it wasnt worth the anxiety struggling to remember the dream. She was tired despite a full night's sleep, and knowing what lay ahead made her all the more weary. She'd rather stay in bed and forget that judgement was upon her and just lie there so that she could prevent herself from being part of a whole sinful enterprise. Unfortunately, as long as she was the heir to her family's fortune, the funds were supporting the whole system of abuse like well oiled machinery. Just existing was a sin. Maybe that dream was really a vision and she was an abomination to the whole of Creation...but now she could escape into non existance if she could just go to sleep......

...and she was awoken in the manner she most detested that morning. She was kicked awake by her mother. She had managed to fall into a sleep so deep she couldnt hear the shrieking. She sighed. It was one of those days that went out of the way to be unpleasant to her. Her mother had already started to lecture her. She wasnt aware of anything she'd done to deserve it. She'd just woken up. Because her mother was in the room there was no avoiding it, she had to let the servants groom her.

Personally, she hated anyone who she didnt care about coming in close proximity of her body but her mother really couldnt see why she'd want to do her hair herself when they could pay someone else to do it better. For 20 minutes they fussed over her, picked the lint off her coli, helped her into her stockings so she wouldnt stretch it and smoothed out any imperfections in her skirt and jacket. It was more of a custom if anything else. How else could one exert their self-importance if they didnt impress upon the servants their lowly stature? She gave up on trying to make friends with them a long time ago. They either pitied or detested her.

It was already 7.30. With her mother hounding at her heels she tried to search for her schoolbag. She could've sworn that she'd put it besides her desk the night before. She rushed through the maze of corridors wondering if it could be in one of the studyrooms or private libraries. The thought struck her she could be a victim of a little dare the servants had going in between them. Getting the boss's kid into trouble was one of their little perks. Well, at least she made someone's life worthwhile. Even the victims of her family had someone to oppress.

In these moments she almost wished she was as cruel as her stepfather. No one would even think that they could get away with this shit. But the moment passed and she was back at being herself. Just another idealist whose morals had no place in the society which she was born. She called Alice, a good-natured elderly maid to help her while her mother went down for breakfast. She wouldnt follow because she hated spending time with the family. Too bad the feeling wasnt mutual. Like the servants Shan enjoyed kicking his stepdaughter around. Of course, she wasnt his. He hated her presense simply because he didnt think it was necessary, she was simply a means to an end. He knew she saw right through him unlike his new wife, and it was a hobby of his to mock her right in front of her mother who was none the wiser. That morning he commented that she lacked her mother's grace and poise knowing she was hectic to get to school on time. Why was that? It only encouraged Li Bao Rong insecurities surrounding her daughter's unexplainable behaviour. She really couldnt understand why any child of hers could be anything less than a social butterfly. It was unexplainable how she could have a daughter so different from her that she reached the conclusion that she tooked after her father. Dear God no. Not after she had sacrificed perfect body to bear a child. She was not about to let her daughter slip pass her hands. She had thought she was saving the child when she locked him away but good. If there was anything her marriage taught her, it was how to brow beat someone into getting your way. But of course she didnt see it that way. She just wanted her daughter to be more like her.

Knowing she only wanted the best for her daughter she knew that Esther would require to be pushed in the right direction. Her days were perfectly regimented. Her diet was carefully watched and she took advance from specialists in behavioural science to get her results. Only a mother would know what was best for children. She was determined to save Esther from becoming what she feared most, someone else. Someone she didnt quite recognise because she was a being apart from herself. A being who had other thoughts in mind other than what she had wanted and expected for her. Someone she didnt understand. A stranger, just like her husband. It chilled her that she had gave control of her life to a man who was always so complex and brooding. Constantly turning heavy thoughts in his mind and setting impossible standards.

It daunted her that she would lose control of her only daughter to a being like that. She had always thought of her husband as heartless. Whenever she was around him she had always felt lost inside. He had a very powerful presense and she could be easily swept away by his intellect, his dominance. She felt so small next to him, and she felt as insignificant as a child facing a storm. She had never understood him. She never had his heart.

Esther did.

It was something else that Bao Li didnt understand. How someone as high and as mighty as her husband could lose his head over a little girl. Her husband wasnt the sort whom she believed had a soft spot for family. She added this perculiarity to his list of complex contradictions. He could be kind and compassionate towards those that needed his help yet ruthless towards those who wouldnt comply to its standards. He believed in the value of humanity even though he had taken more than one human life before. He loved justice but wasnt above twisting it towards his own means.

She never experienced the reality of life the way he had. The way the world had tried him and forced him to compromise his ideals. People, as always, were cynical, unwilling to encourage or even accomodate those values which they had turned their backs on, which made life difficult, even painful to live through. They tried to break him and force their humiliation upon him. As if by creating new victims to shoulder the shame they could assuage theirs when they were forced to abandon their own principles. He had realised quickly how vain it was to hope that his lofty ideals should be accepted bya city rife with crime, yet he remained distinctfrom them in one way. He would notbe rendered helpless. Society hated him

(to be continued)

There had to be something within the child to make her husband fall like that. Between the two of them she felt like there was something ominous, something fearful. She protected Esther the only way she knew how.

What it feels like...

A girl stood alone in the dark. No shadow, nor sudden shift of movement in the dark caught her attention. She heard no voices. It was quiet in her head tonight. So quiet that she could hear herself think. She often wished for these moments so she could find a sense of peace. How funny, she had thought that she'd be able to distinguish between what was truly herself and not the front she used for others during the day if she could just be alone. She almost longed to hear those smooth silky voices that cut through her thoughts during the day and jeered at her at the back of her head. Hearing them was like a pierce to the heart with a concealed weapon but hers was already so hard and calloused that she hardly felt the ache anymore. Not even in the security of her night-blackened room. She tried to feel something of herself. Some emotion that didnt arise from the instinct to protect herself from 'them.' She couldnt even find the anger in herself to hate. It was like some thick fog was preventing her from finding her way to her own heart. And she had laid so many false trails for others to follow to prevent them from reaching her innermost desires and feelings that in the end, she too had lost the true path. Now she was lost and astray,without a heart, silent within the darkness of four walls.

It wasnt that Esther hated being alone because she felt lonely. It was only when she was around others that she felt it for the lack of what it was. Companionship. Some nights when she couldnt take the high silence of her mansion, her asylum walls within prison towers, she'd disable security, creep between the shadows, pass the guards and climb over the walls to freedom. Once there, she'd wonder around aimlessly like a ghost, trying to find someone to come into contact with. And, like a ghost, she'd disappear from the city and its populance once the day came. She could never really find what she was looking for so she would haunt the streets night after night. In this way, she truly felt like she was living a shadow of a former life. She wasnt living, just existing. Despite knowing this, she couldnt break free. Saving herself would mean destroying other lives. So every morning, she would be back, smilling hypocritically for all those who wanted to bring her down. It was hell but it was the only thing that made her feel alive. Making a difference. She's live another day just to let them know they'd never win.

She was just another girl with smooth skin, eyes the colour of oak and wavy hair that reached her waist. Without her heart, she was just an ugly girl with pale skin, bags under her eyes and lengthy hair wondering the streets of 'Tokyo' at night returning to her private hell in the morning.

Much better

Yesterday I finally came out of bum-age mode. It even shined for a couple of hours. hurray! You-know-who-the-witch is still ignoring me and talking to the popular kids but at least I got a plan that I'm satisfied with. Thank goodness. I was out of ideas until Sunday night. Then I stayed up all night to finish it. :) I still did some modifications the next day but at least everything is sorted out and there are no major issues. Its a good thing that WOMAN has an assistant who isnt biased. She actually does bother to see me and talk about the design when THE OTHER ONE is ignoring me even though I had more work done than most people and would like to have a second opinion on it like if there are problems to be addressed.

The project we are working on is called a roofhouse. We have to design a roof that can be inhabited by people. Think of it as an attic house. You're not allowed to mess with the elevation or intrude on the people living downstairs. Meaning the 'house' is pretty much divided into the roof and the ground floor. So to save space in Australia we have to live off other people's head. Cool. But they get the walls and the flat ceilings. Someones going to do a parasitic theme for their house cos thats what the idea sounded like to them. Another person wants a (Japanese) courtyard in the middle with a sunroof on top. As long as u dont put a balcony in the front to embarrass ur neighbours ur good. I really liked this guy's idea to 'create an open space within an enclosed area.' Looking at his plan it seemed like he designed the interior walls to look like a jungle gym. I think he was really pleased that I commented that it was cool cos it gave the impression of camping in an open space since you'd be able to see your surroundings as well. His idea was not to have a physical wall but an impression/imprint/suggestion of it so you'd be more able to move around the house freely and give the rooms more flexibility. I just love these concepts.

What's mine? A house for a bum. To be more accurate: a house for relaxing and a personal sanctuary that is open to visitation. So yea. my house is for the bum lazy and her friends. Come over when its done.
It was a good thing the assistant told me that I wasnt supposed to build the staircase leading up to the roof in the garage. "ur not allowed to intrude in their lives blah blah u have no rite to be there." Its a garage! And that garage in particular can fit a boat!. Its like what, 5400mm. You can fit a boat in there. In fact, I have a library/study built on top of it. Thats the whole purpse of building a staircase there. What would i intrude on, the car and a bicycle? I mean, if u find a balcony on a roof embarassing how would u feel if ur other neighbours constantly ask u why is there a staircase outside the house leading up to the roof. At the very least I now put my staircase at the side of the house where it is blocked by the garage. I'm glad she pointed that out. Plus she helped me with the plan a little. Its nice to have another opinion to sort things out.

BTW-My roofhouse has a jacuzzi <3. The bathroom looks like it belongs to a palace. It even has a skyline at the top. I just enjoy those idle moments:) I'm really happy that there are no creepy corridors in the house either. I hate those. The front plan of the house is secluse yet allow a lot of light in as it has the north facing, so the bedrooms and the library occupy this area. The bathroom is roughly center with the skyline providing the source of light and ventilation. Towards the end the living room, dining area and balcony sort of open up to one another, no walls or barriers so if u open the doors into the balcony u can let the breeze in to ventilate the whole area. P.S. The bathroom is bigger than each of the bedrooms and theres an entertainment center in the living room so we can play ps2 and maybe even DDR :)

Leeeeeeeeeembik

Anyone have any idea how to avoid being one?
Call me.

Lately I've been feeling kinda bewildered. Nothing new. Is it me or is the bitch level in Perth rising? And people were worried about the decrease in rain fall. At least its been raining these past few days. Whos going to save us from bitchy architects and their pet(assistants) in the meantime.
Captain Planet? Pleease.

I need bitch training. Natural selection. You understand.